Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Erik, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more: Part 1

What a crazy adventure that I have been set upon. An epic journey across miles of vast deserts to find a fabled city. And upon finding this city I will be rewarded with riches the likes of which I have never seen. The question is, am I prepared?

The week started as any week over the last year has started. But upon this fateful Monday morning a thick an ominous fog loomed over the city of Hutchinson. As I performed my morning rituals, slapped myself awake and stepped out to face the world, I realized this was no average fog. I had not seen a fog so thick in ages. My little orange car pulled out onto the road and chugged along as I noticed the warning light telling me I was out of gas illuminate on the dashboard. I sighed. I have a bad habit of pushing my car to the limit on gas mileage… which usually ends in me pushing my car.
This morning however the light was freshly lit, meaning I had up to 30 miles to go before I would be walking. So I ignored the warning and pressed on through the treacherous fog. Visibility was low. I could see maybe ten feet in front of me. Traffic was crawling and thus I was too. I watched the seconds ticking by as my twelve minute drive turned into fifteen, and then into twenty. 7:45, the Monday morning meeting had begun, without me in attendance.
I was always warned that if you were going to be late, don’t be late to the Monday meeting. The CEO of the company sits at the front of the room and can see everyone and watches as the employees file in. He glances at the clock noting as each person enters with coffee or soda in hand. This particular morning I can only imagine a list of names and a bolded “?” scribbled next to mine.
Where am I? I am clutching the steering wheel tighter and gnashing my teeth at the people who are arriving to their places of work ten minutes in advance. They slow their speeds and drive leisurely, to stall the inevitable Monday morning. I am now five minutes late to a meeting and I do not share their leisure. I am frantic. I am now stressed before I even start my day and I arrive 7 minutes late to my Monday. I park my car and hurriedly jump from the vehicle and run to the door. Hands flying, dumping out pockets, searching for the keycard that magically unlocks the door. I feel a cold breeze send shivers throughout my body. An empty feeling swells in my stomach. I forgot my keycard. Access Denied.
I press the button which rings the phone system like a doorbell. However, I know that it is futile as every single employee is sitting in a board room where the phone doesn’t ring. I wait, cold and alone, knowing that I have to find a way in. Thirty more seconds go by. I can’t sit outside the whole time. I walk around the building and beginning tapping on windows as I go by, hoping someone will hear me outside and come rescue me.
My supervisor opens the door and lets me in the building. I enter the room, collect the papers sitting by the door and find a seat. All eyes in the room watching me as I avoid their stares. The meeting continues as normal. Nothing out of the ordinary, business continues as though nothing has happened. The meeting ends and all the employees shuffle off to their respective corners of the building. I sit myself down to catch up on emails from over the weekend.
”Erik can I see you in my office?” My supervisor asks, but it isn’t a question. I can’t politely decline this and carry on. I breathe a heavy breath and push the rolling office chair away from my desk. I steadily make my way into the office, feeling that my morning is going to get much worse.

To Be Continued…

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Unwatchable Movie Challenge: Reel 2

Movie: Teenape Goes to Camp
Tagline: No more teachers, no more books …only Teenape’s dirty looks!
Director: Chris Seaver
Starring: Meredith Host, Casey Bowker, Jesse Ames, A.J. Stabone, Josh Suire
Released: 2008 
This film has no rating.
Runtime: 61 min
Genre: Comedy | Horror
Writer: Chris Seaver

Length of Movie I Watched:
I sat through every terrible minute of it.

Verdict: As bad as this poster makes this move look, it is worse. If you have an ounce of decency in your soul, spare yourself and anyone else the pain of having to watch this.

 

Here’s the trailer. Watch at your own risk.

So Reel 2 finally happened. This time around I was the one issuing the challenge. I started to miss “Teeth” a little bit while watching this. At least in Reel 1 the production values were existent, but with a company name like “Low Budget Productions” I shouldn’t have expected anything great. This movie definitely tested our ability to watch a bad movie and really amped up the challenge from Reel 1. I think as far as the “Unwatchable Movie Challenge” goes, if you think to yourself, “Maybe I shouldn’t have picked this movie after all” throughout the film, it was a good challenge.

This movie opens for no reason with a Pirates of the Caribbean parody. It then changes to follow the 80’s raunchy comedies path for the majority of the movie and eventually switches again to slasher and action parodies.
The acting is subpar, no, that doesn’t describe it well enough. When I was in high school I produced a half hour television pilot with some friends. We all were decent high-school actors, but we cast additional people who had no idea what acting was. Instead of coaching and directing the less experienced up to match our levels, everybody just seemed to suck worse. I loved to watch that show after we made it, coming back to it now, I despise it. It is absolutely atrocious. THIS MOVIE IS WORSE THAN THAT! It honestly just seems like a bunch of friends wanted to make something silly, they did, and somehow they are distributing this film and several more all over the place. I picked this up off of Netflix. While browsing their website I discovered that they have received a nod from Troma founder Lloyd Kaufman. www.dorkswithoutfaces.com/lowbudgetpictures/index.html 

The writing is forced, they want to offend you in the style that South Park or Family Guy has offensive humor just to offend everyone. It doesn’t come off as offensive or funny. Perhaps I am biased, because I am a comedy writer and don’t really enjoy that kind of style of forcing dirty words into lines because of the “Ha Ha, you said poopy!” type of humor. But going back as far as the original “Scary Movie” and the ridiculous amounts of crap that monster has spawned I have hated them. I think humor should be more layered than poop jokes. And just because they have several layers of poop, doesn’t make it a layered joke.

Obviously, Teenape will have his followers, he will have people that think his gorilla mask that barely covers his face is part of the “feel” of the film. I have no problem with low budget raunchy comedies. I love Troma. I love camp, and that’s not the log cabins in the woods kind of camp, I mean campy humor. Over the top, obviously fake gore also has no problems in my book. But there is a way to do it right. There are cheap ways to make your title character not sound like he is talking inside a mask for an hour. There are cheap ways to cast your production with competent actors. And the cheapest thing of all is writing decent material to work with. I like low budget indie films. I think they can find a place and now and then even contend with the big budget Hollywood blockbusters. “Teenape goes to Camp” fails on all levels as a film. I have not seen any of their other productions, but I hope that they are much better. For the sake of all humanity.

I don’t even want to think where Reel 3 is going to take us…

Until next time, may god have mercy on your soul,
-- “The Erik” Sanburn

P.S. Coming next week I will be releasing the 5-part short story chronicling my recent adventures in life. I know a lot of you aren’t up with the full story, but all will be revealed soon.