Earthquakes are God's cell phone vibrating...

I like to stay topical in my blogs. That's why I'm currently posting a five part story that took place last year some time about some stuff that no one cares about. So I keep hearing about these earthquakes all over the place. They were all the buzz after Haiti got one. Well Los Angeles isn't about to be topped by some little island, we got our own earthquake this morning! So I thought I would provide some rudimentary knowledge about earthquakes for everyone since these quake things are going around nowadays.

EARTHQUAKE SAFETY TIPS

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

• Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so.
• To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.
• Experiencing an earthquake is terrifying, but a majority of people caught in one do survive. During the tremors, try to resist the temptation to have sex with pets or houseplants.
• Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.
• Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.
• Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now.
• For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.
• A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep and work in doorways.
• Be sure to mail your house insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.
• In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table or your uncle.
• If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.

So there are some good tips for earthquakes. I had never felt a "quake", as the cool kids call it, before. I wasn't sure if that was what it was when I woke just before 4 o'clock this morning. Kinda felt like i was sleeping on a vibrating phone. All in all, I'm glad nothing bad happened.

Until next time Donutheads,

"The Erik" Sanburn

The Unwatchable Movie Challenge: Reel 2

Movie: Teenape Goes to Camp
Tagline: No more teachers, no more books …only Teenape’s dirty looks!
Director: Chris Seaver
Starring: Meredith Host, Casey Bowker, Jesse Ames, A.J. Stabone, Josh Suire
Released: 2008 
This film has no rating.
Runtime: 61 min
Genre: Comedy | Horror
Writer: Chris Seaver

Length of Movie I Watched:
I sat through every terrible minute of it.

Verdict: As bad as this poster makes this move look, it is worse. If you have an ounce of decency in your soul, spare yourself and anyone else the pain of having to watch this.

 

Here’s the trailer. Watch at your own risk.

So Reel 2 finally happened. This time around I was the one issuing the challenge. I started to miss “Teeth” a little bit while watching this. At least in Reel 1 the production values were existent, but with a company name like “Low Budget Productions” I shouldn’t have expected anything great. This movie definitely tested our ability to watch a bad movie and really amped up the challenge from Reel 1. I think as far as the “Unwatchable Movie Challenge” goes, if you think to yourself, “Maybe I shouldn’t have picked this movie after all” throughout the film, it was a good challenge.

This movie opens for no reason with a Pirates of the Caribbean parody. It then changes to follow the 80’s raunchy comedies path for the majority of the movie and eventually switches again to slasher and action parodies.
The acting is subpar, no, that doesn’t describe it well enough. When I was in high school I produced a half hour television pilot with some friends. We all were decent high-school actors, but we cast additional people who had no idea what acting was. Instead of coaching and directing the less experienced up to match our levels, everybody just seemed to suck worse. I loved to watch that show after we made it, coming back to it now, I despise it. It is absolutely atrocious. THIS MOVIE IS WORSE THAN THAT! It honestly just seems like a bunch of friends wanted to make something silly, they did, and somehow they are distributing this film and several more all over the place. I picked this up off of Netflix. While browsing their website I discovered that they have received a nod from Troma founder Lloyd Kaufman. www.dorkswithoutfaces.com/lowbudgetpictures/index.html 

The writing is forced, they want to offend you in the style that South Park or Family Guy has offensive humor just to offend everyone. It doesn’t come off as offensive or funny. Perhaps I am biased, because I am a comedy writer and don’t really enjoy that kind of style of forcing dirty words into lines because of the “Ha Ha, you said poopy!” type of humor. But going back as far as the original “Scary Movie” and the ridiculous amounts of crap that monster has spawned I have hated them. I think humor should be more layered than poop jokes. And just because they have several layers of poop, doesn’t make it a layered joke.

Obviously, Teenape will have his followers, he will have people that think his gorilla mask that barely covers his face is part of the “feel” of the film. I have no problem with low budget raunchy comedies. I love Troma. I love camp, and that’s not the log cabins in the woods kind of camp, I mean campy humor. Over the top, obviously fake gore also has no problems in my book. But there is a way to do it right. There are cheap ways to make your title character not sound like he is talking inside a mask for an hour. There are cheap ways to cast your production with competent actors. And the cheapest thing of all is writing decent material to work with. I like low budget indie films. I think they can find a place and now and then even contend with the big budget Hollywood blockbusters. “Teenape goes to Camp” fails on all levels as a film. I have not seen any of their other productions, but I hope that they are much better. For the sake of all humanity.

I don’t even want to think where Reel 3 is going to take us…

Until next time, may god have mercy on your soul,
-- “The Erik” Sanburn

P.S. Coming next week I will be releasing the 5-part short story chronicling my recent adventures in life. I know a lot of you aren’t up with the full story, but all will be revealed soon.

The Unwatchable Movie Challenge: Reel 1

A New Challenger Appears!

Movie: Teeth
Tagline: Every Rose Has Its Thorns
Director: Mitchell Lichtenstein
Starring:Jess Weixler, John Hensley, Hale Appleman
Released: 2007
Rated R for disturbing sequences involving sexuality and violence, language and some drug use
Runtime: 94 min
Genre: Comedy | Horror
Writer: Mitchell Lichtenstein

 Length of Movie I Watched:
Every last bit of it.

Verdict: Watchable, not enjoyable, but watchable.

 

Kyle issued this challenge earlier this week. He’s been waiting for a good opportunity to force this onto somebody. It was a killer first round to the Unwatchable movie challenge. I am not exactly excited to see penises (penisi?) in a movie, but to see graphic depictions of penis mutilation is something I hope to avoid in the future.

This movie’s concept was outlandish to begin with. Vagina dentata. (Only Google that if you aren’t eating or at work.) I was pleased to see the Comedy tag on IMDB, i went into this thinking it was a serious horror film. As for scares, there are none. Not really any thrills either, apart from how thrilling the credits seem after 90 minutes of this. Female nudity is very minimal with only one quick scene of toplessness, but as for male frontal nudity, there is plenty. Well maybe 5 or 6 scenes with penises. The pacing in the first act seems very slow as well, coupled with the fact this isn’t a “scary” movie it might not be one to watch while trying to stay awake.

This was a bad movie. I do not want to watch this again, I do not want to watch it with a hen. I do not want to watch it in the night, I will wish it away with all my might.

I can’t even imagine what the next movie will be…

Until next time,
-- “The Erik” Sanburn

The Unwatchable Movie Challenge

Over Labor Day weekend my best friend from California came back to visit. Kyle “MickeyC” McCarley drove straight through from L.A. to Hutchinson with his two roomies, Heather and Arazi. It was a nice weekend. Little sleep, but non-stop good times.

I know I miss the guy when he’s off doing his thing half a country away, but never do I realize exactly how much until we are reunited. A good friend of mine, Lauren, refers to us as the “Moron Twins.” Not as an insult per say, but more as a reference to the sheer stupidity that ensues from us reuniting. We get a overly excited and revert in age and maturity when around each other. Spending time with Kyle is always a highlight of my year.

Since Kyle decided to pay a surprise visit, I had already made plans to go to the Starlite Drive-In on Sunday evening. Despite my attempts to persuade him into going, he refused. He refused on the grounds that the movies we would be seeing were not worth the money to get in. Now I’m not here to debate whether the price to see G-Force, Aliens in the Attic, and G.I. Joe was worth it or not. My motto has always been, “I’ll watch anything.” Now I’m not sure if that’s really a motto or just something I say now and then, because outside of movies, I won’t watch anything. That’d be gross and awkward.

Kyle asked me just before I left to meet up with Carissa and Candace’s family and indulge in a triple featured evening, “Why would you pay to see those movies?”
To which I explained, “It’s ten bucks a carload, so it’s only like two dollars to see three movies. That’s a really good deal.”
“I don’t know about that. Those movies are going to be crap, I wouldn’t watch them for free,” Kyle quipped.
I understood where he was coming from, I wasn’t exactly expecting these movies to be anything more than cheap laughs and eye candy, “You know me though, I’ll watch anything.”
"You’ve always been like that. I don’t get it. I’m going to find a movie you won’t watch,” Kyle threatened.
"Alright, good luck. I doubt you could find one,” I baited him.
"I’ll take that action!” Dustin who had remained quiet for most of this argument chimed in.
"It’s an official challenge then,” stated Kyle, who’s mind began to whir with memories of poorly developed films.
I decided to amend the proposal slightly, “Alright, but before I agree to this, anything you challenge me to sit through, you have to sit through it with me. So remember that you have to watch it too.”
"Deal,” Kyle quickly signed up.
"Fine,” Dustin said as he jumped up from his chair. He reached out to shake hands to signify a deal had been confirmed.
"A gentlemen’s agreement. Huzzah!” We all exclaimed in unison. A pact had been made that day. An evil deal that would only lead us down a path of destruction. For we had all three just willingly signed on to sift through hours upon hours of offensive, poorly made, badly written, horrible movies.

So the challenge is on. Will Dustin and Kyle find a movie that I will refuse to sit through? Will our minds rot from the garbage we will surely be feeding it? Can The Erik outlast the challengers in their own movie choices? All this and more on the next exciting episode of “As The Donut Gyrates.”

Feel free to help out the boys and post suggestions of your favorite “Bad Movies.” Only these two chuckleheads can issue a challenge, but they are going to need all the help they can get.

Also, while I would never call this a “Bad Movie,” unlike the majority of the film going public, Howard the Duck is playing at the Palace this weekend for their Cult Movie series. If anyone wants to see this magical 1986 Marvel Comic-based film, let me know. I will go to every single showing if I have friends to go with.

Palace West Theatre Presents
A CULT FILM SERIES
Shows play every Friday & Saturday between 9:00-10pm and 11:30-Midnight. With a new film each week through Dec. 5th
TICKETS ARE ONLY $2.50!
For showtimes call 691-9700
http://www.palacemovies.com/showtimes/new_cult.pdf
http://www.palacemovies.com
Proof of age is required

September 25th & 26th

Keep looking to the skies, true believers!
-- "The Erik" Sanburn

Nothing Endures But Change

Change.

Changes, they are inevitable. Yet we as humans tend to never expect change. We get into these routines, we plan, we dwell. We form these grooves in our life and we never want to leave these safe zones. The universe is vast and ever-changing, yet sometimes in life all we want to do is fight change.

“It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to.”

--Marilyn Ferguson

We are all growing whether physically, mentally, or spiritually. I have always been a strong believer in the theory that everything is a learning experience. Each and every event that transpires in our life has important information encoded into it. I have had a lot of things happen in my life, a good portion of those can be perceived as negative events. As much as negative events weigh us down as we try to progress on to other stages in our lives, we must fight that weight. Life is a series of steps, with each step we have taken there is a piece of vital knowledge to carry with us. However, when that step provides a life lesson where one must learn through struggle, we all too often carry the burden of all the extra emotional baggage onto our next phase. If we don’t take the time to shed some of our extra weight and relieve ourselves of all the extra negativity we carry within ourselves, we will become bogged down and not be able to progress and transcend through life.

“So Mr. Smarty-pants, how exactly does one shed this 'negative baggage' then, huh?” You may be asking this very question. Sadly, I cannot answer this for you. I can only show you the door. Mainly because everyone will be different, every situation unique unto itself, thus I cannot give you a cookie cutter solution to sadness. How does one deal with sadness, deal with change? How do you deal?

“No sir, how do YOU deal!?” How do I deal? How does, “The Erik” deal? Does “The Erik” have sadness? I am often known to all as the fun-loving goofy comedian that goes through life with an ear to ear grin and a joke for every situation.

“Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. The Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains."

--Rorschach, from “Watchmen”

I also have been a firm believer in the theory that the essence of comedy is simply a parody of tragedy. The ability to mock and laugh at the downtrodden and less fortunate. As grim as that sounds, think back to the last comedian you watched, or think about the next one you do watch. Their jokes will tell stories of break-ups, death, violence, and yet no matter how truly horrible the events in the story we will laugh. I am not saying that I wouldn’t laugh or we shouldn't laugh, merely that comedy is a result of tragedy. My life is a series of tragedies within the greatest comedy of all-time, life. If you have ever heard my story of my senior prom night, you will have laughed. It is a hilarious tale of an unfortunate young boy who on the night of his prom falls in a pile of cow poo. While the idea is silly and the full version is quite humorous, it is really a horrible event. Growing up, I didn’t have the perfect family life, but who does. If you have ever heard any story about when I was growing up, you most likely have laughed. However, the underlying story elements are quite serious. Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence are no laughing matter... yet somehow we make them out to be. A man gets on a stage and tells you his darkest secrets and how horrible life has been to him and you mock him and laugh at him. Yet, the instigator, the one spouting the most gut-wrenching vile insults is the man himself. We call him the comedian.

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.”

--Mel Brooks

So yes, I tend to deal with life by mocking it. When yet another tragedy strikes me, I create a joke. A casual quip that sums up my struggle and will make others smile. Listen to a comedian, and you will generally hear a very sad clown crying out to the world.

Change. We all are changing. Changing into something different, we grow, we evolve, and we create. We all deal with change in many ways, some better than others, some simply choose not to deal with change and those are the most tragic. To all who managed to take the time to fully read this through, I pose a simple question. “How do you deal?”

Whether you respond publicly or even take a moment to ponder it to yourselves, it is a question worth thinking about.

Keep looking to the skies, true believers!

-- "The Erik" Sanburn