Give Me Your Money and I'll Do Your Job!

My new ad on Craigslist. I need some extra cash, so if anybody needs anything done or has so money to waste, throw it my way and I'll take requests. Anything for a dollar! I accept paypal as well. Send me a request and how much your bid for the task is and I will do it! Want me to upload a video on youtube of me falling down some stairs? I'll do it for your money! Click the button below to send me some cash!

craigslist: Active Posting -

I live in NoHo and work in Torrance and I need some extra cash. I am trained and certified to fix your computer. I have experience renovating homes and handyman duties. I can draw and paint and act as well. I am willing to do anything for a price! (Within legal reason.) No job is too big or hard, let me save you from having to do household chores. I'll clean your room, mow your lawn, clean your gutters. Electronics are my specialty, laptop on the fritz? No Problem. I'll even do your homework!

I just moved to California and I need some extra cash to pay off some damage that was done to my car. Please help a guy out, I am very willing and eager to earn your money!

Thanks,
Erik

The Unwatchable Movie Challenge: Reel 3

Welcome back to the Unwatchable Movie Challenge after 3 months of emptiness. The move from Kansas to California really took a beating on me. (As well as my car…) But we came back in the third round with a real contender. A movie so bad they didn’t release it for 26 years!

Movie: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
Tagline: Lost Horror Film of the Seventies.
Director: George Barry
Starring: Demene Hall, William Russ, Julie Ritter, Linda Bond, Patrick Spence-Thomas.
Filmed: 1977
Released: 2003 
This film has no rating.
Runtime: 77 min
Genre: Horror
Writer: George Barry

Length of Movie I Watched:
There was a group of about 5 of us that sat through this whole thing.

Verdict: There was a reason this thing took over 20 years to get released. As far as I’m concerned this thing probably should have stayed buried.

Death Bed: The Bed that Eats. Really? Where does that idea get fun? The writer/director George Barry supposedly came up with this in a dream, and tried to make the movie resemble that. The pacing is really off because of the attempt to make this surreal. But believe me, the pacing is by far not the worst aspect of this film. This movie is jumbled, poorly thought out and the exposition to how and why the bed eats is lackadaisical. So if you can muscle through the structure of the film and really get down to the core, a demonic bed that dissolves people in a frothy brew between the sheets, then you just run into more problems. The acting is obviously going to be sub-par, you wouldn’t want someone coming in and showing up the bed with “Acting Skills.” The filmography is rough and the lighting is poor. Sound design is half-assed and doesn’t always make sense. There really isn’t anything good to say about this movie.

The funny thing about this is the fact it took Mr. Barry 5 years to finish filming this. FIVE FREAKING YEARS! He started in 1972 and didn’t get it finished until 1977. He shopped it around for awhile but surprisingly no one wanted to distribute a crappy film about a bed that eats. Weird, huh? He finally gave up in the 80’s, and then right before the DVD release in 2003 his daughter started getting the word out again. He actually had forgotten he made the movie for some time. If the movie is so bad that it’s creator who wasted years of his life on this project could manage to force the idea out of his head, it might not be a good movie. What I wanna know is if the shooting schedule was really lazy or if he kept going back to redo scenes and improve the movie? I mean the idea that this release may be the 3rd or 4th revision and THAT was the very best he could do, that’s scary. That is scarier than anything actually in the film.

Patton Oswalt, who is a comedic genius, has a rather long bit on Death Bed from one of his albums. That’s where Kyle and I first heard about this film. In fact, they probably owe a lot of DVD sales to Patton’s stand up act.

There you have it. Reel 3 of the Unwatchable Movie Challenge. Kyle’s second pick was much worse than Teeth, but those mutilated penises will forever haunt me. Now it’s time for me to choose another movie. I’m going to try and aim away from the Horror genre, although Netflix did just release Dead Snow on Instant Watch. However I might try and dig deep for some really bad obscure comedy from the 80s or something.

I will leave you all with clips from Death Bed. Watch at your own risk.

--“The Erik” Sanburn

Erik, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more: Part 5

PART V

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The reception was terrible here at home and the phone had never even rang on my end. I got up and wondered around until I found a sweet spot for signal. Phoned into the message system and retrieved something odd.

It was a response to a resume I had emailed in not 8 hours prior to that. The quick turnaround actually made me figure it was a dead end. I called them back anyway. Got their voicemail and left a message. I didn't figure I would hear from them anytime soon. However, I figured wrong.

I received another return phone call a few hours later. They seemed interested.

They were a relatively new company, but were based out of Los Angeles. I had only sent in the application as a longshot. The lady I was speaking to inquired about my location to see if I was looking to relocate or if I already had. I told her how I was willing to relocate and was still living in Kansas at the time. She asked if I could do a phone interview later that day. I agreed. She set it up for 5:30 Central time. I told her that time worked perfect and ended the call.

The time wasn't exactly "perfect" as I did have a conflict. I was supposed to be preparing to go on the air for my weekly radio talk show that went live at 6:00PM. I informed my co-hosts that I may be late for that evenings show as I had a job interview half an hour before the show.

I was excited for the opportunity and the chance to interview with the company, however my hopes were not very high. I didn't know what to expect, and I wasn't sure I could impress any potential employers anyway.

Around 5:00PM I prepared my things for the interview. Then I drove into town. I didn't want the cell reception to cost me a job, so I drive into the city limits to a K-Mart parking lot. I had my 5 bars of cell reception and I was ready.

The phone rang. Caller ID informs me that the company is calling for the interview. I nervously exhale. I answer the call. I am introduced to the Project Lead and the Senior Engineer. They give me a run down of the position and we discuss my experience and my qualifications. Then they inform me that they would like to ask me a few technical questions. I wasn't really prepared for them to call my abilities into question. It only makes sense to verify that I know what I claim to know, but I had never gone through that in an interview before.

I agreed to the line of questioning. They ran me through scenarios of user error, wrong keystrokes, and system settings. I answered the questions at about 98% efficiency. They expressed that they were impressed with me and would try to get back to me by the end of the week after they gave it some thought. I thanked them for the opportunity and ended the call.

I had a confident feeling after the interview. I had a text message from my mother waiting on me. My family was meeting for dinner at Taco Hut and asked me to drop by and get something to eat after the interview. I drove over to Taco Hut, which was only about a mile from K-Mart. I am parking my car not five minutes after ending my interview. I start to get out of the car and the cell phone rings again. It's the same company calling back again. I sit back down and shut my car door again.

"Hello?" I answered.

The lady who set up my interview called back to ask me how I thought the interview went. I told her I thought it went really well. She agrees and says she heard good things about me from the two guys who interviewed me. There is a slight awkward pause as no one says anything for about 10 seconds. 

She chimes in again, "Well, I wanted to call and let you know that we've decided to offer you the position."

I did not know how to react. She asked me if I needed to think about it.

"Yeah, this is a big move, I should probably think this one over."

Yet as the words exited my mouth I thought to myself that this opportunity was too good to be true and that if I hesitate like I do with so many things in my life, if I over analyze this, I may miss out on something amazing.

"Yes! I accept! I want the job." 

A mere 10 seconds of thought and my future was changed so drastically. I was embarking on an incredible journey. The next week was hectic as I was running around trying to secure all the details of my move. 2 weeks in L.A. and then 2 weeks in Kansas and then I was back in L.A. to start my new life. And what a life it has been...

Earthquakes are God's cell phone vibrating...

I like to stay topical in my blogs. That's why I'm currently posting a five part story that took place last year some time about some stuff that no one cares about. So I keep hearing about these earthquakes all over the place. They were all the buzz after Haiti got one. Well Los Angeles isn't about to be topped by some little island, we got our own earthquake this morning! So I thought I would provide some rudimentary knowledge about earthquakes for everyone since these quake things are going around nowadays.

EARTHQUAKE SAFETY TIPS

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

• Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so.
• To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.
• Experiencing an earthquake is terrifying, but a majority of people caught in one do survive. During the tremors, try to resist the temptation to have sex with pets or houseplants.
• Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.
• Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.
• Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now.
• For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.
• A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep and work in doorways.
• Be sure to mail your house insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.
• In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table or your uncle.
• If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.

So there are some good tips for earthquakes. I had never felt a "quake", as the cool kids call it, before. I wasn't sure if that was what it was when I woke just before 4 o'clock this morning. Kinda felt like i was sleeping on a vibrating phone. All in all, I'm glad nothing bad happened.

Until next time Donutheads,

"The Erik" Sanburn

Erik, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more: Part 4

PART IV

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I awake suddenly to dogs barking. Perhaps this nightmare is over. It's past noon. I am still in it. My mother has come home for her lunch hour. I am not hungry. Still so tired. I let the sleep pull me in.

I awake again. Darkness has set in outside. I am still tired. My body heavy and sluggish. Sleep won't come for me, not now. I lay awake staring up into darkness as the occasional passing car causes a small glimpse of light across the ceiling. Time passes, I have no control over the moment.

I finally pull myself up. I pull up my chair to my desk. I double check my resume. Everything checks out. As I begin signing up for and browsing job postings in the local area I still feel gloom lurking. No way for me to see or know where I will be in a year, a month, or even a day. My life is a blank slate again.

All night long I continue to hunt for anything and everything that would accept an online application. I began a carpet bomb of job posting sites. Sending my resume to anyone and everyone that had even a glimmer of a chance of calling me in. I continued sending in applications until the search results only brought back postings I already applied for.

Then I returned to the comfortable and safe surroundings of the couch. Sleep had returned to claim me once again. I let it take me. Hoping that all would be well by morning.

Morning came. 

My brain urged me to get up and seek out a fix for my predicament. I could not move, my appendages so heavy. All I could do was to return to sleep. I stayed there most of the day. It was all I could do. No desire to get up and face the world. I was feeling worthless and acting the part.

That evening I received a text. Molly was coming to town. This brought a sliver of joy to me. More than I had had in the last 36 hours. I went to meet up with her at our usual spot in Hutchinson. The IHOP. I was glad to see her, we had known each other for so long, yet never had gotten as close as we had over the month since Allison's wedding. I knew she could help bring me out of my funk, but at the same time I felt ashamed to have to admit my failure to her or anyone else.

We had a long talk. We always had long talks. I liked how we could just sit and talk for hours about whatever we felt like saying. I explained that my life had been thrown upside down and how I didn't completely know where I was heading. I knew where I figured I would end up though. Wichita seemed like the most logical and obvious destination. We concluded our evening.

I ventured back home and made another pass over the job posting sites. No responses from anywhere had come in. I had a few more days until I would really start to freak out. I wrote off the lack of response due to the Thanksgiving holiday that was upon us. I once again returned to my new favorite vacation spot, sleep.

I awoke again. Sleep was still uneasy and restless, but I still craved more. I rolled over and as I shut my eyes I notice a blinking on my phone. I had a voicemail.

To Be Continued...

Erik, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more: Part 3

PART III

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I arrive at home. Still in shock at what is actually transpiring. I am in no hurry to return to the office. In some form of denial, I think the longer it takes me to go back, the less the events are actually happening. I can't return anytime soon though, I have several gigs of data on my work issued usb drive. I plug it in and begin transferring all my data off of the drive. I find my missing keycard that aided the cause.
I go pour me a stiff drink, Pepsi, on the rocks. I go sit down in front of my computer. Staring blankly at the screen as the data transfers. As each byte of data transfers I realize more and more how much I can not afford to be unemployed. Debt up to my eyeballs and it's only going to get bigger as my meager paycheck comes streaming in after the holidays. I hope that the job interview I had the week before pays off. It would mean moving to Wichita most likely, but that wouldn't be so bad. I could start over, a new life. I've been wanting something new and drastic for awhile, perhaps this is my chance.
I mean Wichita is a great city. I enjoy hanging out there, I have a friends there, one in particular who I would greatly enjoy spending a lot more time with. My actor friend is there as well and we could move in together. It would get me back into a more creative environment. My spirits brighten slightly as I think of possibilities.
I browse the web a bit and find the site for Kansas Unemployment Benefits. I am an unlikely candidate since I was fired and not laid off, but might as well cover my bases. I also go through and update my resume with an end date on my last employer. Send off a couple of applications online and then decide to go and head back to the office.
I drive back in. I come in through the back and my supervisor is in a meeting. I go ahead and begin cleaning up and packing up my belongings. I had such a nice cubicle. I pack up my trinkets and my swag I've obtained over the last year and a half. Picking up my tools and looking over at unfinished projects sitting on my workbench. Whoever gets stuck with those projects is going to have a heck of a time completing them. Not because of any sabotage on my part, but because I have been the only one who reassembled laptops in the last 2 years.
My supervisor exits his office and gestures for me. We march through the building and I take a seat in the board room. The lady with the paperwork comes in and explains the process to me. I sign the documents stating that I won't sue for anything and then head back to my cubicle. I continue the process of packing up what is mine and returning what was theirs. This goes on for another hour or so. I get the last of everything loaded into my car. I inform my supervisor and head for the door. The scheduler stops me.

This is a woman who has been working on my downfall for awhile. office politics can turn some into bitter human beings, and she had been turned long ago. She offered me condolences and words of empathy. I took nothing from the hollow words. I was becoming quite bitter over the whole incident.

I get into my car once more and I drive away. My car full of debris and a collection of paperwork and guides. I drive home once again. I feel empty, exhausted. Not sure where to go. What I will do? I am falling. I collapse onto my couch. Sleep engulfs me. Restless, uneasy sleep.

To Be Continued...

Erik, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more: Part 2

I stepped into the office. It was covered in football memorabilia. I always thought it odd when I met a computer tech who enjoyed sports. It makes sense, lots of people enjoy sports. However, myself being a more stereotypical nerd, I don’t understand nor care about sports affiliations.

"Go ahead and close the door behind you." My supervisor says as he sits behind his desk. That's never a good sign. A closed door is an unhappy door. A closed door no matter how innocent makes people assume the worst. I closed the door, heard the latch click into place and took a seat in front of the desk.

"Alright, why were late this morning?" He asked. His voice sounding slightly strained. Others had mentioned he didn't handle confrontation well, and we both knew where this was going.

"I left the house and the visibility was down to practically nothing in that fog. I traveled at the safest speed in the fog and still nearly ran into people," I explained.

"Right, well I'm afraid I have no choice," the supervisor began.

"Whoa! Hold on, there was no possible way I could have anticipated fog. Can you even remember the last time we had a thick fog cover the entire city like this?"

"Regardless, you should have been prepared to leave on time. You had been warned in the past. I have no choice but to terminate you."

The words hung thick in the air. Words I had hoped to prevent, words that heavy cannot be recalled easily.

"You do have a choice though, there's always choices. I haven't been late even a second in over 40 days." I pleaded.

"I have to set a precedent. When I say something I have to follow through with it. You can pack up your stuff and turn in your key card." he said to me. I'm not sure if he was telling me or convincing himself that was the case.

"I don't have my key card with me, that's why I couldn't get in the building this morning." I reiterated.

"Well then let's see if maybe you can leave to go get your stuff and then come back to finish paperwork and things," he suggested.

We left the office and traveled up to the front of the building. We poked our heads into the the office of the lady who would be drawing up the papers for my termination. She was on the phone at the time. She raised her index finger to show that she wouldn't be much longer. She knew what was going on before I had been informed. I wondered how many others already knew what was transpiring.

"Yeah... alright... Yes. I gotta let you go. I'll call you back, I have an employee out here, Erik. Yeah he's not working out so we have to let him go. I gotta get some papers drawn up. okay, talk to you later," she whispered loudly into the phone.

Gossip. I hate gossip. Especially when it's about me. I don't understand why people like talking about other people. It was a problem I ran into a lot at this company. I had been targeted for termination awhile back because I filed a complaint against one of the "powers that be" for telling other employees about disciplinary actions taken against me.

I thought that it would solve a lot of problems by reporting something that everyone in the office knew was taking place. Stand up and fight the good fight. Well, from my personal experience, those that stand up for what they believe in become martyrs for a cause that may or may not have been worthwhile. I realize this is a horribly pessimistic thought, but being fired puts one in that mood.

"Erik needs to go get his key card and his external drive from his home. Is that okay if he runs to get that before signing the paperwork?" my supervisor asked.

"That will be fine. Just come back when you get that and we'll get everything sorted out," the lady in the office responded.

"Alright," I agreed.

I walked back through the building. I continued on through the garage and out the back door. Got in my car and drove away. Part of me wanted to keep driving forever. If I never stopped driving I would never have to face my failure. I slowed down at a stop sign and let my heavy head drop down onto the steering wheel. That's when I noticed the glowing orange light on the dashboard reminding me that I still have to get gas. Exactly what I need, to spend money.

I crank up the volume on the radio as I drive to the gas station.

Upon arriving I get out use the pay at the pump service and begin pumping gallons of overpriced fuel into my car. I stand there waiting for the pump to click off as the cold wind bites at my face and arms. I drive off towards home, wondering if I will have the ability to stop driving when I reach the destination. A coldness seeps into me. Filling me. Dark days loom on my horizon.

To Be Continued...