Erik, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more: Part 5

PART V

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The reception was terrible here at home and the phone had never even rang on my end. I got up and wondered around until I found a sweet spot for signal. Phoned into the message system and retrieved something odd.

It was a response to a resume I had emailed in not 8 hours prior to that. The quick turnaround actually made me figure it was a dead end. I called them back anyway. Got their voicemail and left a message. I didn't figure I would hear from them anytime soon. However, I figured wrong.

I received another return phone call a few hours later. They seemed interested.

They were a relatively new company, but were based out of Los Angeles. I had only sent in the application as a longshot. The lady I was speaking to inquired about my location to see if I was looking to relocate or if I already had. I told her how I was willing to relocate and was still living in Kansas at the time. She asked if I could do a phone interview later that day. I agreed. She set it up for 5:30 Central time. I told her that time worked perfect and ended the call.

The time wasn't exactly "perfect" as I did have a conflict. I was supposed to be preparing to go on the air for my weekly radio talk show that went live at 6:00PM. I informed my co-hosts that I may be late for that evenings show as I had a job interview half an hour before the show.

I was excited for the opportunity and the chance to interview with the company, however my hopes were not very high. I didn't know what to expect, and I wasn't sure I could impress any potential employers anyway.

Around 5:00PM I prepared my things for the interview. Then I drove into town. I didn't want the cell reception to cost me a job, so I drive into the city limits to a K-Mart parking lot. I had my 5 bars of cell reception and I was ready.

The phone rang. Caller ID informs me that the company is calling for the interview. I nervously exhale. I answer the call. I am introduced to the Project Lead and the Senior Engineer. They give me a run down of the position and we discuss my experience and my qualifications. Then they inform me that they would like to ask me a few technical questions. I wasn't really prepared for them to call my abilities into question. It only makes sense to verify that I know what I claim to know, but I had never gone through that in an interview before.

I agreed to the line of questioning. They ran me through scenarios of user error, wrong keystrokes, and system settings. I answered the questions at about 98% efficiency. They expressed that they were impressed with me and would try to get back to me by the end of the week after they gave it some thought. I thanked them for the opportunity and ended the call.

I had a confident feeling after the interview. I had a text message from my mother waiting on me. My family was meeting for dinner at Taco Hut and asked me to drop by and get something to eat after the interview. I drove over to Taco Hut, which was only about a mile from K-Mart. I am parking my car not five minutes after ending my interview. I start to get out of the car and the cell phone rings again. It's the same company calling back again. I sit back down and shut my car door again.

"Hello?" I answered.

The lady who set up my interview called back to ask me how I thought the interview went. I told her I thought it went really well. She agrees and says she heard good things about me from the two guys who interviewed me. There is a slight awkward pause as no one says anything for about 10 seconds. 

She chimes in again, "Well, I wanted to call and let you know that we've decided to offer you the position."

I did not know how to react. She asked me if I needed to think about it.

"Yeah, this is a big move, I should probably think this one over."

Yet as the words exited my mouth I thought to myself that this opportunity was too good to be true and that if I hesitate like I do with so many things in my life, if I over analyze this, I may miss out on something amazing.

"Yes! I accept! I want the job." 

A mere 10 seconds of thought and my future was changed so drastically. I was embarking on an incredible journey. The next week was hectic as I was running around trying to secure all the details of my move. 2 weeks in L.A. and then 2 weeks in Kansas and then I was back in L.A. to start my new life. And what a life it has been...

Earthquakes are God's cell phone vibrating...

I like to stay topical in my blogs. That's why I'm currently posting a five part story that took place last year some time about some stuff that no one cares about. So I keep hearing about these earthquakes all over the place. They were all the buzz after Haiti got one. Well Los Angeles isn't about to be topped by some little island, we got our own earthquake this morning! So I thought I would provide some rudimentary knowledge about earthquakes for everyone since these quake things are going around nowadays.

EARTHQUAKE SAFETY TIPS

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

• Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so.
• To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.
• Experiencing an earthquake is terrifying, but a majority of people caught in one do survive. During the tremors, try to resist the temptation to have sex with pets or houseplants.
• Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.
• Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.
• Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now.
• For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.
• A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep and work in doorways.
• Be sure to mail your house insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.
• In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table or your uncle.
• If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.

So there are some good tips for earthquakes. I had never felt a "quake", as the cool kids call it, before. I wasn't sure if that was what it was when I woke just before 4 o'clock this morning. Kinda felt like i was sleeping on a vibrating phone. All in all, I'm glad nothing bad happened.

Until next time Donutheads,

"The Erik" Sanburn

Erik, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more: Part 4

PART IV

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I awake suddenly to dogs barking. Perhaps this nightmare is over. It's past noon. I am still in it. My mother has come home for her lunch hour. I am not hungry. Still so tired. I let the sleep pull me in.

I awake again. Darkness has set in outside. I am still tired. My body heavy and sluggish. Sleep won't come for me, not now. I lay awake staring up into darkness as the occasional passing car causes a small glimpse of light across the ceiling. Time passes, I have no control over the moment.

I finally pull myself up. I pull up my chair to my desk. I double check my resume. Everything checks out. As I begin signing up for and browsing job postings in the local area I still feel gloom lurking. No way for me to see or know where I will be in a year, a month, or even a day. My life is a blank slate again.

All night long I continue to hunt for anything and everything that would accept an online application. I began a carpet bomb of job posting sites. Sending my resume to anyone and everyone that had even a glimmer of a chance of calling me in. I continued sending in applications until the search results only brought back postings I already applied for.

Then I returned to the comfortable and safe surroundings of the couch. Sleep had returned to claim me once again. I let it take me. Hoping that all would be well by morning.

Morning came. 

My brain urged me to get up and seek out a fix for my predicament. I could not move, my appendages so heavy. All I could do was to return to sleep. I stayed there most of the day. It was all I could do. No desire to get up and face the world. I was feeling worthless and acting the part.

That evening I received a text. Molly was coming to town. This brought a sliver of joy to me. More than I had had in the last 36 hours. I went to meet up with her at our usual spot in Hutchinson. The IHOP. I was glad to see her, we had known each other for so long, yet never had gotten as close as we had over the month since Allison's wedding. I knew she could help bring me out of my funk, but at the same time I felt ashamed to have to admit my failure to her or anyone else.

We had a long talk. We always had long talks. I liked how we could just sit and talk for hours about whatever we felt like saying. I explained that my life had been thrown upside down and how I didn't completely know where I was heading. I knew where I figured I would end up though. Wichita seemed like the most logical and obvious destination. We concluded our evening.

I ventured back home and made another pass over the job posting sites. No responses from anywhere had come in. I had a few more days until I would really start to freak out. I wrote off the lack of response due to the Thanksgiving holiday that was upon us. I once again returned to my new favorite vacation spot, sleep.

I awoke again. Sleep was still uneasy and restless, but I still craved more. I rolled over and as I shut my eyes I notice a blinking on my phone. I had a voicemail.

To Be Continued...

Erik, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more: Part 3

PART III

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I arrive at home. Still in shock at what is actually transpiring. I am in no hurry to return to the office. In some form of denial, I think the longer it takes me to go back, the less the events are actually happening. I can't return anytime soon though, I have several gigs of data on my work issued usb drive. I plug it in and begin transferring all my data off of the drive. I find my missing keycard that aided the cause.
I go pour me a stiff drink, Pepsi, on the rocks. I go sit down in front of my computer. Staring blankly at the screen as the data transfers. As each byte of data transfers I realize more and more how much I can not afford to be unemployed. Debt up to my eyeballs and it's only going to get bigger as my meager paycheck comes streaming in after the holidays. I hope that the job interview I had the week before pays off. It would mean moving to Wichita most likely, but that wouldn't be so bad. I could start over, a new life. I've been wanting something new and drastic for awhile, perhaps this is my chance.
I mean Wichita is a great city. I enjoy hanging out there, I have a friends there, one in particular who I would greatly enjoy spending a lot more time with. My actor friend is there as well and we could move in together. It would get me back into a more creative environment. My spirits brighten slightly as I think of possibilities.
I browse the web a bit and find the site for Kansas Unemployment Benefits. I am an unlikely candidate since I was fired and not laid off, but might as well cover my bases. I also go through and update my resume with an end date on my last employer. Send off a couple of applications online and then decide to go and head back to the office.
I drive back in. I come in through the back and my supervisor is in a meeting. I go ahead and begin cleaning up and packing up my belongings. I had such a nice cubicle. I pack up my trinkets and my swag I've obtained over the last year and a half. Picking up my tools and looking over at unfinished projects sitting on my workbench. Whoever gets stuck with those projects is going to have a heck of a time completing them. Not because of any sabotage on my part, but because I have been the only one who reassembled laptops in the last 2 years.
My supervisor exits his office and gestures for me. We march through the building and I take a seat in the board room. The lady with the paperwork comes in and explains the process to me. I sign the documents stating that I won't sue for anything and then head back to my cubicle. I continue the process of packing up what is mine and returning what was theirs. This goes on for another hour or so. I get the last of everything loaded into my car. I inform my supervisor and head for the door. The scheduler stops me.

This is a woman who has been working on my downfall for awhile. office politics can turn some into bitter human beings, and she had been turned long ago. She offered me condolences and words of empathy. I took nothing from the hollow words. I was becoming quite bitter over the whole incident.

I get into my car once more and I drive away. My car full of debris and a collection of paperwork and guides. I drive home once again. I feel empty, exhausted. Not sure where to go. What I will do? I am falling. I collapse onto my couch. Sleep engulfs me. Restless, uneasy sleep.

To Be Continued...

Erik, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more: Part 2

I stepped into the office. It was covered in football memorabilia. I always thought it odd when I met a computer tech who enjoyed sports. It makes sense, lots of people enjoy sports. However, myself being a more stereotypical nerd, I don’t understand nor care about sports affiliations.

"Go ahead and close the door behind you." My supervisor says as he sits behind his desk. That's never a good sign. A closed door is an unhappy door. A closed door no matter how innocent makes people assume the worst. I closed the door, heard the latch click into place and took a seat in front of the desk.

"Alright, why were late this morning?" He asked. His voice sounding slightly strained. Others had mentioned he didn't handle confrontation well, and we both knew where this was going.

"I left the house and the visibility was down to practically nothing in that fog. I traveled at the safest speed in the fog and still nearly ran into people," I explained.

"Right, well I'm afraid I have no choice," the supervisor began.

"Whoa! Hold on, there was no possible way I could have anticipated fog. Can you even remember the last time we had a thick fog cover the entire city like this?"

"Regardless, you should have been prepared to leave on time. You had been warned in the past. I have no choice but to terminate you."

The words hung thick in the air. Words I had hoped to prevent, words that heavy cannot be recalled easily.

"You do have a choice though, there's always choices. I haven't been late even a second in over 40 days." I pleaded.

"I have to set a precedent. When I say something I have to follow through with it. You can pack up your stuff and turn in your key card." he said to me. I'm not sure if he was telling me or convincing himself that was the case.

"I don't have my key card with me, that's why I couldn't get in the building this morning." I reiterated.

"Well then let's see if maybe you can leave to go get your stuff and then come back to finish paperwork and things," he suggested.

We left the office and traveled up to the front of the building. We poked our heads into the the office of the lady who would be drawing up the papers for my termination. She was on the phone at the time. She raised her index finger to show that she wouldn't be much longer. She knew what was going on before I had been informed. I wondered how many others already knew what was transpiring.

"Yeah... alright... Yes. I gotta let you go. I'll call you back, I have an employee out here, Erik. Yeah he's not working out so we have to let him go. I gotta get some papers drawn up. okay, talk to you later," she whispered loudly into the phone.

Gossip. I hate gossip. Especially when it's about me. I don't understand why people like talking about other people. It was a problem I ran into a lot at this company. I had been targeted for termination awhile back because I filed a complaint against one of the "powers that be" for telling other employees about disciplinary actions taken against me.

I thought that it would solve a lot of problems by reporting something that everyone in the office knew was taking place. Stand up and fight the good fight. Well, from my personal experience, those that stand up for what they believe in become martyrs for a cause that may or may not have been worthwhile. I realize this is a horribly pessimistic thought, but being fired puts one in that mood.

"Erik needs to go get his key card and his external drive from his home. Is that okay if he runs to get that before signing the paperwork?" my supervisor asked.

"That will be fine. Just come back when you get that and we'll get everything sorted out," the lady in the office responded.

"Alright," I agreed.

I walked back through the building. I continued on through the garage and out the back door. Got in my car and drove away. Part of me wanted to keep driving forever. If I never stopped driving I would never have to face my failure. I slowed down at a stop sign and let my heavy head drop down onto the steering wheel. That's when I noticed the glowing orange light on the dashboard reminding me that I still have to get gas. Exactly what I need, to spend money.

I crank up the volume on the radio as I drive to the gas station.

Upon arriving I get out use the pay at the pump service and begin pumping gallons of overpriced fuel into my car. I stand there waiting for the pump to click off as the cold wind bites at my face and arms. I drive off towards home, wondering if I will have the ability to stop driving when I reach the destination. A coldness seeps into me. Filling me. Dark days loom on my horizon.

To Be Continued...

Erik, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more: Part 1

What a crazy adventure that I have been set upon. An epic journey across miles of vast deserts to find a fabled city. And upon finding this city I will be rewarded with riches the likes of which I have never seen. The question is, am I prepared?

The week started as any week over the last year has started. But upon this fateful Monday morning a thick an ominous fog loomed over the city of Hutchinson. As I performed my morning rituals, slapped myself awake and stepped out to face the world, I realized this was no average fog. I had not seen a fog so thick in ages. My little orange car pulled out onto the road and chugged along as I noticed the warning light telling me I was out of gas illuminate on the dashboard. I sighed. I have a bad habit of pushing my car to the limit on gas mileage… which usually ends in me pushing my car.
This morning however the light was freshly lit, meaning I had up to 30 miles to go before I would be walking. So I ignored the warning and pressed on through the treacherous fog. Visibility was low. I could see maybe ten feet in front of me. Traffic was crawling and thus I was too. I watched the seconds ticking by as my twelve minute drive turned into fifteen, and then into twenty. 7:45, the Monday morning meeting had begun, without me in attendance.
I was always warned that if you were going to be late, don’t be late to the Monday meeting. The CEO of the company sits at the front of the room and can see everyone and watches as the employees file in. He glances at the clock noting as each person enters with coffee or soda in hand. This particular morning I can only imagine a list of names and a bolded “?” scribbled next to mine.
Where am I? I am clutching the steering wheel tighter and gnashing my teeth at the people who are arriving to their places of work ten minutes in advance. They slow their speeds and drive leisurely, to stall the inevitable Monday morning. I am now five minutes late to a meeting and I do not share their leisure. I am frantic. I am now stressed before I even start my day and I arrive 7 minutes late to my Monday. I park my car and hurriedly jump from the vehicle and run to the door. Hands flying, dumping out pockets, searching for the keycard that magically unlocks the door. I feel a cold breeze send shivers throughout my body. An empty feeling swells in my stomach. I forgot my keycard. Access Denied.
I press the button which rings the phone system like a doorbell. However, I know that it is futile as every single employee is sitting in a board room where the phone doesn’t ring. I wait, cold and alone, knowing that I have to find a way in. Thirty more seconds go by. I can’t sit outside the whole time. I walk around the building and beginning tapping on windows as I go by, hoping someone will hear me outside and come rescue me.
My supervisor opens the door and lets me in the building. I enter the room, collect the papers sitting by the door and find a seat. All eyes in the room watching me as I avoid their stares. The meeting continues as normal. Nothing out of the ordinary, business continues as though nothing has happened. The meeting ends and all the employees shuffle off to their respective corners of the building. I sit myself down to catch up on emails from over the weekend.
”Erik can I see you in my office?” My supervisor asks, but it isn’t a question. I can’t politely decline this and carry on. I breathe a heavy breath and push the rolling office chair away from my desk. I steadily make my way into the office, feeling that my morning is going to get much worse.

To Be Continued…

The Unwatchable Movie Challenge: Reel 2

Movie: Teenape Goes to Camp
Tagline: No more teachers, no more books …only Teenape’s dirty looks!
Director: Chris Seaver
Starring: Meredith Host, Casey Bowker, Jesse Ames, A.J. Stabone, Josh Suire
Released: 2008 
This film has no rating.
Runtime: 61 min
Genre: Comedy | Horror
Writer: Chris Seaver

Length of Movie I Watched:
I sat through every terrible minute of it.

Verdict: As bad as this poster makes this move look, it is worse. If you have an ounce of decency in your soul, spare yourself and anyone else the pain of having to watch this.

 

Here’s the trailer. Watch at your own risk.

So Reel 2 finally happened. This time around I was the one issuing the challenge. I started to miss “Teeth” a little bit while watching this. At least in Reel 1 the production values were existent, but with a company name like “Low Budget Productions” I shouldn’t have expected anything great. This movie definitely tested our ability to watch a bad movie and really amped up the challenge from Reel 1. I think as far as the “Unwatchable Movie Challenge” goes, if you think to yourself, “Maybe I shouldn’t have picked this movie after all” throughout the film, it was a good challenge.

This movie opens for no reason with a Pirates of the Caribbean parody. It then changes to follow the 80’s raunchy comedies path for the majority of the movie and eventually switches again to slasher and action parodies.
The acting is subpar, no, that doesn’t describe it well enough. When I was in high school I produced a half hour television pilot with some friends. We all were decent high-school actors, but we cast additional people who had no idea what acting was. Instead of coaching and directing the less experienced up to match our levels, everybody just seemed to suck worse. I loved to watch that show after we made it, coming back to it now, I despise it. It is absolutely atrocious. THIS MOVIE IS WORSE THAN THAT! It honestly just seems like a bunch of friends wanted to make something silly, they did, and somehow they are distributing this film and several more all over the place. I picked this up off of Netflix. While browsing their website I discovered that they have received a nod from Troma founder Lloyd Kaufman. www.dorkswithoutfaces.com/lowbudgetpictures/index.html 

The writing is forced, they want to offend you in the style that South Park or Family Guy has offensive humor just to offend everyone. It doesn’t come off as offensive or funny. Perhaps I am biased, because I am a comedy writer and don’t really enjoy that kind of style of forcing dirty words into lines because of the “Ha Ha, you said poopy!” type of humor. But going back as far as the original “Scary Movie” and the ridiculous amounts of crap that monster has spawned I have hated them. I think humor should be more layered than poop jokes. And just because they have several layers of poop, doesn’t make it a layered joke.

Obviously, Teenape will have his followers, he will have people that think his gorilla mask that barely covers his face is part of the “feel” of the film. I have no problem with low budget raunchy comedies. I love Troma. I love camp, and that’s not the log cabins in the woods kind of camp, I mean campy humor. Over the top, obviously fake gore also has no problems in my book. But there is a way to do it right. There are cheap ways to make your title character not sound like he is talking inside a mask for an hour. There are cheap ways to cast your production with competent actors. And the cheapest thing of all is writing decent material to work with. I like low budget indie films. I think they can find a place and now and then even contend with the big budget Hollywood blockbusters. “Teenape goes to Camp” fails on all levels as a film. I have not seen any of their other productions, but I hope that they are much better. For the sake of all humanity.

I don’t even want to think where Reel 3 is going to take us…

Until next time, may god have mercy on your soul,
-- “The Erik” Sanburn

P.S. Coming next week I will be releasing the 5-part short story chronicling my recent adventures in life. I know a lot of you aren’t up with the full story, but all will be revealed soon.